The Election I

I don't know what to say. It's been two weeks since the election and I still don't quite know what happened. Part of me saw this coming. Most of me didn't believe it was possible. 

During the primaries, I predicted that Donald Trump would not be selected by the Republican Party, that he would be passed over for one of the less popular men running. But that did not happen. 

Then I predicted that he would either drop out of the race or that the American people would sober up and realize the utter ridiculousness of this election. But that did not happen.

By the time I got home on election night, it was 7:00 PM. Trump was already leading significantly. I watched the vote count on Google while listening to NPR. I felt sick to my stomach; at one point, I  thought my dinner was going to revisit me. I had hope that Hillary Clinton was going to pull through. The next morning, my alarm went off and the first thing I heard was NPR announcing Trump's victory. I actually waited for the man on the radio to say, "Haha, just kidding!" But when that did not happen, I became overwhelmed by feelings of disbelief, fear, and anger. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross' emotions of grieving are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.[1]  I now float somewhere between denial, anger, and depression.What I'm grieving for, I'm still not sure.

The election, on many levels, was deeply personal. And worse yet, I don't know to whom I can talk because this election has bred such strong feelings of intolerance. I no longer feel safe talking to some people without fear of a backlash. A lot of people I know have ignored bringing up the election, as if it has no effect on their life. But, as a woman, and member of a population that still is treated like a minority, it has a direct effect on my life. And, part of the reason it is difficult to discuss is that a lot of people, no matter how progressive they might be, struggle to fully comprehend how an election can have a dramatic effect on an individual's life. So it's been gradually eating away at me until I can no longer stand it.  

I will admit that I did not like Clinton initially. She was associated with an old fashioned political strategy that I just did not want. And, unfortunately, her husband's presidency single-handedly enhanced the structure of institutionalized racism that exists in the US prison system today.[2][3] These two factors made it difficult for me, my peers and people of color to follow.[4] Then there was the ongoing, yet somehow nonexistent, crimes she committed through email.[5][6][7][8] 

But after sifting through all of that, especially in comparison to Trump's allegations of sexual assault and fraud, I realized I had bought into a shallow attempt to "scandalize" a woman who has the potential to be POTUS.[9][10][11][12][13] It's a cruel and convoluted retelling of Hester Prynne's life in Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter.[14][15][16][17] Or, if a person lives in a world only of men, Trump may be Prynne.

When I look at Trump, and hear what he says regarding women, I become scared in a way that I've never felt before. The world for women is already one that is unsafe and where fact is perceived as exaggeration. Many women, if not most, can attest that sexual assault and domestic abuse are rampant in a lot of ways that many men (and some women) are unable to see. I think a lot of women would agree that sexism is on the rise. The tension is real and becoming more unstable. When I consider Trump as POTUS, I start to predict, not imagine, how much worse it will be for women. Trump has already run a campaign against women that is equivalent to Emperor Kuzco selecting a bride. 

A lot of men and women may look at the argument of sexism and either decide they themselves are not sexist and it does not apply to them, or that it is a ridiculous excuse for being a sore loser. The worst part of sexism is that women have been raised to be the harshest critics against women. Women prevent themselves from moving past discrimination. Sexism is this complex web of outside attacks and self destruction; its power is not an easy concept to grasp.

In helping me communicate all of this, I've put together a list of human rights that are violated on a daily basis against women. Sometimes it's difficult to see the magnitude of a problem when it's not presented with overwhelming evidence, hence my (beautifully created) footnotes in Chicago format.

1. Right to equality.

Looks like: designating roles and jobs for certain sexes, one sex is forced to shoulder both career and home lives, not earning a job and compensation based on equivalent credentials. 

Sounds like: "I bet you make a great wife." - Trump

2. Freedom from discrimination.

Looks like: an unrealistic expectation or disallowing a woman equal access.

Sounds like: women who are never taught how to navigate taxes and insurance. "You have to treat 'em like shit." - Trump

3. Right to life, liberty, personal security.

Looks like: taking away feelings of safety; having to choose behaviors, clothing, and attitude that will not "ask" for unwanted attention.

Sounds like: catcalling, rape jokes. "26,000 unreported sexual assaults in the military - only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect to happen when they put men and women together?" - Trump

4. Freedom from torture and degrading treatment.

Looks like: domestic abuse; violent, verbal and/or emotional.

Sounds like: Megyn Kelly's accusations of sexual harassment against Trump and Roger Ailes.“You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her — wherever.” - Trump

5. Right to equality before the law.

Looks like: a punishment given without proper analysis of evidence.

Sounds like: Brock Turner's trial. "I would never buy Ivana any decent jewels or pictures. Why give her negotiable assets?" - Trump

6. Right to be innocent until proven guilty.

Looks like: accusing women of having malicious intent based on their sex (noun, not verb) alone.

Sounds like: "She's such a whore/slut/bitch" (literal translation: she receives money for sexual acts/engages in sexual activity equivalent to a man/is a female dog). "Women have one of the great [sic] acts of all time. The smart ones act very feminine and needy, but inside they are real killers. The person who came up with the expression ‘the weaker sex’ was either very naive or had to be kidding. I have seen women manipulate men with just a twitch of their eye — or perhaps another body part." - Trump

7. Freedom of opinion.

Looks like:  GASLIGHTING - convincing someone that what they think and believe is inaccurate or wrong to gain power over an individual/group, resulting in doubt of a person's own perception of reality, the most common, subversive and overlooked factor influencing a woman's thoughts and decisions.[18][19][20][21][22][23] 

Sounds like: "You're crazy." "You don't know what you're talking about." "You're overreacting/overemotional." "You aren't seeing it realistically." "You're just being paranoid." "It was a joke!" "I've been doing/saying that; you just haven't seen/heard it." Anything that starts with, "Well, actually..."

• “Cher is somewhat of a loser. She’s lonely. She’s unhappy. She’s very miserable.” - Trump
• “All of the women on ‘The Apprentice’ flirted with me — consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” - Trump
• "You wouldn't have your job if you weren't beautiful." - Trump
• "Why does she keep interrupting everybody?" - Trump
• "And the girls—we're supposed to call them women, but they're girls to me." - Trump
• "She is a dog who wrongfully comments on me." - Trump
• “My favorite part [of Pulp Fiction] is when Sam has his gun out in the diner and he tells the guy to tell his girlfriend to shut up. Tell that bitch to be cool. Say: ‘Bitch be cool.’ I love those lines.” - Trump

1. Allan Kellehear, MD, "On Death and Dying," Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Foundation, accessed on November 12, 2016, http://www.ekrfoundation.org.
2. 13th, directed by Ava Duvernay (Netflix, 2016), Film.
3. Jo Ann Harris, "1032. Sentencing Enhancements - The Three Strikes Law," United States Department of Justice: Offices of the United States Attorneys, accessed on November 10, 2016, https://www.justice.gov.
4. Meghan Keneally, "What's Inside the Controversial 1994 Crime Bill That's Plaguing Hillary Clinton on the Campaign Trail." ABC News, April 11, 2016 and accessed on October 25, 2016. abcnews.go.com. 
5. Steven Lee Myers, "Use of Unclassified Email Systems Not Limited to Clinton," The New York Times, May 10, 2016 and accessed on October 3, 2016, www.nytimes.com.
6. Matt Apuzo, "Security Logs of Hillary Clinton's Email Server Are Said to Show No Signs of Hacking," The New York Times, March 3, 2016 and accessed on October 3, 2016, www.nytimes.com.
7. Steven Lee Myers, "7 Democrats in Congress Say Clinton Email Inquiry Is 'Too Politicized," The New York Times, March 10, 2016 and accessed on October 3, 2016, ww.nytimes.com.
8. Bill Chappell, "FBI Finishes Hillary Clinton Email Review: 'We Have Not Changed Our Conclusion' Comey Says," National Public Radio, November 6, 2016 and accessed on November 6, 2016, www.npr.org/the-two-way.
9. David Boyer, "Obama Blames Sexism for Hillary Clinton's Woes, Notion She's 'Hiding Something in Email Scandal," The Washington Post, November 1, 2016 and accessed on November 6, 2016, www.washingtonpost.com.
10. Bradford Richardson, "Feminists Defend Hillary Clinton Against 'Sexist' FBI Investigation: 'Bitch Hunt," The Washington Post, October 6, 2016 and accessed on November 6, 2016, www.washingtonpost.com.
11. Daniel Bush, "Election 2016: The Hidden Sexism that Could Sway the Election," PBS Newshour, accessed on November 6, 2016, www.pbs.org/newshour.
12. John Stroehr,"The Sexist Press," US News, September 6, 2016 and accessed on November 6, 2016, www.usnews.com.
13. Robin Lakoff, "Hillary Clinton's Emailgate Is an Attack on Women," Time, October 31, 2016 and accessed on November 6, 2016, time.com.
14. Tory Johnson, "Same Old Story," republished by Debra Condren, "Clinton's Campaign Proves That the Scarlet Letter for 21st Century Women Stands for Ambition," The Huffington Post, last updated May 25, 2016 and accessed on October 4, 2016, www.huffingtonpost.com.
15. Nicolaus Mills, "Scarlet Letter Politics," Dissent Magazine, January 25, 2016 and accessed on November 12, 2016, www.dissentmagazine.org.
16.  Julian Hawthorne, "The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne," The Atlantic April, no. 4 (1886), accessed on November 12, 2016, www.theatlantic.com. 
17. David Horsey, "Hillary Clinton Pays Price for 'Careless' Emails," Los Angeles Times, July 7, 2016 and accessed on November 12, 2016, www.latimes.com.
18. V. Calif and E.M. Weinshel, "Some Clinical Introjections: Gaslighting," The Psychoanalytic Quarterly 50, no. 1 (1981): PMID:7465707
19. Gertrude Zemon Gass and William C. Nichols, "Gaslighting: A Marital Syndrome," Contemporary Family and Therapy 10, no. 1 (1988): 3 - 16, DOI: 10.1007/BF00922429.
20. Kate Abramson, "Turning Up the Lights on Gaslighting," Philosophical Perspectives 28, no. 1 (2014), 1 - 30, DOI: 10.1111/phpe.12046.
21. Macarena Blazquez-Alonso, et al, "Indicators of Psychological Abuse Associated with the Length of Relationships Between Couples," Annals of Psychology 28, no. 3 (2012): 772 - 779, 
    DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.6018/analesps.28.3.123261.
22. Juan M. Moreno-Manso, et al, "Gender as an Explanatory Factor of Psychological Abuse in Dating Couples, " Journal of Social Service Research 40, no. 1 (2014): 1 - 14, DOI: 
23. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/01488376.2013.842951.
25. Sharon Hayes and Samantha Jeffries, "Tools and Tactics," Romantic Terrorism: An Auto-Ethnography of Domestic Violence, Victimization, and Survival (2016), 26 - 40, DOI: 10.1057/9781137468499_3.

So, obviously it's nearly a year later...

Note: I am now writing from my home computer. If there are errors, it is because I am an imaginative writer.

I never did finish writing about that last day in Nagasaki. Mostly because I wrote a beautiful post, and then the app on my phone decided that the trip wasn't worth writing about. It froze and I lost all of the data before I could publish it. The issue continued throughout the rest of the trip, rendering it impossible for me to write and post. I became frustrated and decided that never looking back on it would be the best option.

It was wrong of me to ignore it. It is worth writing about. The last hours of that one evening have become so vivid in my memory that I now find it difficult to recall the rest of the trip with much clarity.

After we left Etsuko-san, Fumiko-san drove me and Perry to the hotel to meet Kaho. Her parents would be joining us. I had never met Kaho's family before that night. I had never met any Japanese friend's parents. I wasn't sure what to expect. Would they interview me? Would they be short with me? Did they speak English? Were they going to judge me for not knowing Japanese? (I'm working on it!)

However, I found them to be oddly similar to my parents. For example: at one point in the evening, her dad, clearly an engineer of some sort, attempted to understand the mechanics of a stationary glass door by trying to casually move it forwards and backwards as he studied the hinges above. With a firmer grip, he then tried to move the door with a little more force.

We stood silently in the elevator waiting.

Realizing the door was not going to move without him most-likely breaking it off of the wall, he got on the elevator while his wife gave him a knowing look.

Although seemingly awkward for everyone involved, I immediately felt at ease. It was as if my parents were standing in front of me. I wanted to laugh at how such a small act could create feelings of reassurance and trust. But, I thought it would be rude and so I did my best to remain quiet.

Anyway, Kaho took us to Mount Inasa!! Her dad drove us all. I assumed their car, a minivan, would look like everything else in Japan: spotless and meticulously well kept. But when Kaho opened the door, it appeared surprisingly American. It seemed like a family used it regularly. It seemed like it contained a past that was scattered on the floor and on the seats.

As I considered that, I started to understand why Kaho seemed to flourish in the US. To her, it was both novel and vaguely familiar all at once. She found pieces of home throughout her time there and she was comforted by them.

In the van, Perry and I talked about our earlier failed attempt at finding Inasa. Kaho's parents spoke not one word of English that night, but they remained silent while we spoke to their daughter. Once we got to the end of the story, I heard her father chuckle. Then his wife laughed too. When we reached the end of the road, the entrance for Inasa's peak was in front of us, where literally dozens of taxis sat. They were dropping off and picking up people in a steady stream. Her dad pointed at them and we all laughed.

When we got out, we were immediately met with a cold wind. In general, cold wind merely functions as a reminder to me that I may one day freeze to death in an alley of Minneapolis. But, in the previous days of this trip, it was extremely hot and humid. I welcomed that air bravely. It was so refreshing that I wanted to inhale as much of it as my tiny lungs would allow. And my lungs were tiny; I couldn't contain enough of that breeze. The deeper I breathed, the more I wanted to feel it run through my body like cold water. It made me feel alive in a way I hadn't felt the entire two weeks we were in Japan.

And, although "the view" is supposed to be seen at night, it should be made clear that whoever thought that was beautiful definitely did not see it at sunset.

That evening, the unbearable heat of the day eased. The sky was cloudless and the sun was simultaneously blinding and soft. The shadows, cast down on to the city by the surrounding mountains, created a shade of blue that almost shimmered against the orange and brown of the rock. In those shadows, I could see the specks of light popping up where people walked and dined and talked and lived.

Facing the opposite direction, the ocean was equally breathtaking. The waning sun had just enough energy to spread its rays across the east like arms, reaching for the harbor and the ships, the water and the ripples, the mountains and the trees. It held everything in that glow.

We took pictures of it all, but they do not have the alluring periwinkle and silver shadows we saw that night. They didn't preserve the the pink and yellow ribbons of light floating in the sky.

That night, as Kaho and I stood side by side in silence looking out on the water,  I learned from her that the magnificence of life is strongest when we can see past the immense world to the smallest aspects of existence. Our friendship became more than two people at the top of a mountain enjoying the sunset together. I wanted to hold her hand and call her family. I wanted to hug her and tell her I loved her. I wanted her to know that she had changed my life.

But then I realized all of that could seem weird and creepy. So I decided to remain next to Kaho in silence, hoping she knew how radiant it was to be standing next to her in that moment.

The sun ebbed into the mountains. At last, it gently released all that it held that day, leaving Nagasaki and the sea with the placid night.

And it was perfect.